Operation March: Introduction

Edit: I wrote this in March after deciding I needed to blog about reading through the Bible in a month to keep me from going crazy along the way. I kept it up for a few days and then it somehow petered out. My apologies. I decided to go ahead and publish the few that I did write; I hope you enjoy them.

A friend of mine inspired me to try to read through the entire Bible in one month. This month. I was rather surprised that this would sound appealing to me but the more I thought about it the more it seemed to be the thing to do.

I have the time, I have been thinking about the Bible and it's role in life, Christianity, and my life in particular, and I believe I have finally matured enough to have a chance at accomplishing a deadline I set for myself.

This morning begins the seventh day and, as further proof that this is God inspired, I am still relatively excited about the idea. The few days before March started, when I was still deciding whether I wanted to go for this and risk making a fool of myself I was already thinking of strategies to help myself make it to the end.

I decided that I'd best get the boring and specially intimidating books out of the way as soon as possible, this mostly included the last three books of the Pentateuch. I would spread the Psalms and Proverbs out so that I'd be reading some of them each day. I'd try to read whole books at a time seeing as I am much more likely to keep reading if I have a book to finish.

I found out that there are 1189 chapters in the Bible and to finish reading all of them in 31 days means I'd have to average about 40 a day. I decided to use The Message as my version of choice because the more I hear of it the more respect I have for it. It was only a few days into it that I realized that it's also the only Bible I currently own that has words big enough to read for a month without going blind before the end.

Thus far I have read:

• Genesis
• Exodus
• Leviticus
• Deuteronomy
• Joshua
• Judges
• Ezra
• Nehemiah
• Lamentations
• Hosea
• Joel
• Amos
• Obadiah
• Jonah

Reading through them at such a rate is maddening, relieving, and surprisingly enjoyable. It gives me enough to think about that my brain is near exploding but it keeps my thoughts moving so fast that I can't get stuck on one idea. So far, the biggest thing I have come away with is God's shear size. He is delightfully terrifying and totally beyond me. I am humbled in a very non-humiliating way.

As I read certain parts and ideas from my life surface regularly, I often think of a quote I recently heard on TV " . . . in mythical religious books such as the Bible." I have no very strong opinion about this quote. When I consider the absurdity of God, both as recorded in the Bible and as experienced in my own small life, it is no surprise to me that He has been relegated to myth. If you want to look wise, beware of God.

I think of my current plan to apply to Oxford University before the year is out. I believe that I have a good chance of being accepted, or at least that hurdle does not concern me because there is another that seems much bigger. How could it be payed for? As I read, I think that God is big enough, but also that no one can predict Him. I have always wanted adventure but I don't think I bargained for one as big as God.

As I read, my past motives often haunt me. They are little more sinister then Nearly Headless Nick but still a bit annoying. A few years ago, (maybe even months, who knows?) if I had undertaken this plan then it would have been full of conflicted thoughts.

"I would be so proud to read the Bible through in just a month, everyone would be impressed! Is it okay to read the Bible so quickly? It's probably very disrespectful to read the Bible so fast. If I do start, I know I'll never finish, I never finish anything."

Variations of these swim through my head but I have made it my habit to ignore them as much as possible. They are neither here, nor there, nothing more than passing thoughts. It is not my business to deal with any of them.

With fresh revelation of God's sheer size also comes some awkwardness in our relationship. I cannot, yet, ponder for long His vast terribleness and still come quite as boldly to His presence. If our relationship rested on me, this would probably be the time when I repented from elevating myself to the status of His child, fellow heir with Christ. Oddly enough though, I didn't elevate myself to such a position, He did. I am not likely to argue this or any point very animatedly with a God as huge as I suspect He might be.

As I watch God grow in my mind, the questions grow as well. This scares me. Until I realize that He is inviting me to grow with Him.

The Front Lines

I believe that there are two realms. One is spiritual; we do not often, if ever, see it. One is the physical, which we are all aware of constantly. Both are important and created by God, but only one will last.

As humans, we are the only beings who constantly inhabit both realms. We are spirit beings walking around in bodies. (If this concept is hard for you then you should watch more fantasy.) The physical world derives its importance solely from its connection to the spiritual, largely through us.

There is a war going on in the spiritual realm, fought by spiritual beings. Like most wars, it is fought on many levels, and Biblically, I could point to a few different reasons it is occurring. That's not my goal at the moment.

I am interested, for now, in the ground the war is being fought over, which in fact, is us. We are where the fighting occurs and the prize for the winner. Interestingly, we are also (arguably) the most dangerous force involved.

Biblically, we have been given more power than the angels as sons of God whose spirits are indwelt by His Spirit. Practically, most of us don't have a clue. Those of us who are catching on still have much to learn. We get the idea that our duty in this war is to fear God and obey Him by generally doing good in this world and telling others about Him. These are worthy goals and things that I personally practice, more or less.

Ever since I was little my life goal was to live right in the middle of the most confused and hurting people I could find, build my house at the gates of hell as one poem talks about, and do good and tell people about Jesus. I have always been frustrated that I was stuck in wealthy America, in a house where everyone knew Christ, and only moved in circles where people had heard the truth. If I was willing to be sent to the front lines, why was I being kept on leave?

As I got older, both physically and spiritually, I was allowed to actually have a hand in the fighting here and there. I still dreamt of really being moved to the front lines when orders came to move to my sister's farm, which is, in my estimation, nowhere near the fighting. One day, I watched Hotel Rwanda. Now there was a picture of the front lines, terrifying, heartbreaking, desperate.

I knew that as I sat on my comfy couch entertaining myself with a movie, similar things continue to happen all over the world. My frustrations rose to God with these words, "Why can't I be there for them?"

"You are here for them." His response took me by surprise. Then He explained by putting pieces of the spiritual puzzle together in my mind in a way that I had never seen before. He reminded me that this is a spiritual war and as such is fought with spiritual weapons.

The weapon or power that trumps all others is to know God Himself. This is not just a requirement for fighting, it is the fighting. Doing every day with God is not only a blessed right as a child of His but is also a thing so powerful that it extends through the cosmos. In the spiritual realm, which is more real than the physical, my everyday choice to walk with God affects every person on the planet. The fact that it doesn't look or feel like it to me or them, doesn't change what is.

I'll admit it's not as glamorous as I had hoped for. It requires that I trust my Commander maybe more than I wanted to. It's totally counter intuitive.

On the other hand, who would complain about such power? How can I be upset that while I chafed at losing time to normality, I was actually already wielding the greatest weapon? How can I be disappointed that instead of traveling over the world, my actions have already reverberated to the farthest reaches of the spiritual realm?

I know that I am not the only Christian who has had this same frustration. I hope that this is encouraging. Tell me, does it ring true in your spirit?

Finding a Gift for the One Who Really Has Everything

This Christmas I had a few "Blinding Flash of the Obvious" moments about Christmas itself. First, it hit me as slightly odd for the first time that no matter how many Christmases go past we are always celebrating baby Jesus. I don't know what your family traditions are, but on my birthdays I have never had someone tell my birth story to everyone present, or even pulled out the photo albums of when I was a baby.

Not that this is good or bad, it just struck me as slightly odd. For me, this yearly celebration of a baby had helped me forget that I was in fact celebrating a person that I know. So, this year, I asked Him what He wanted for Christmas.

I know, He kinda owns the universe and all, but He also lets us give Him stuff periodically. Kind of like when Mom used to give us kids money (that Dad earned) so we could buy something for Dad. I kept my eyes open to hearing the answer as Christmas came and went. (Yes, I can hear with my eyes.)

A few days after Christmas, I was telling Cassie about how I was suddenly going to the Passion conference. A few months ago, I wasn't even interested but now I was very excited about an opportunity that God had practically forced on me. Cassie made a comment about how God was probably looking forward to that time of me worshiping Him too and I smiled about how refreshing her perspective is.

Later, God reminded me of what Cassie said. "Remember what you asked Me about Christmas? This is it."
"What is 'it' God?"
"You at the conference, that's what I want for Christmas."
"But that's cheating! You can't give me a gift for Christmas and then say that I gave it to You!"
I have never seen God's face but I know, somehow, when He talks to me what expression He is making. At this point He shrugged His shoulders and grinned and said, "You asked what I wanted for Christmas and that's what I wanted so I got it."

In spite of the complexities of giving gifts to God, it was special to be a part of His Christmas.

Why Read the Bible?

You may have noticed my status update asking about Bible reading, or you may be one of those unfortunate souls who I have already asked you way too many questions about it in person or spent forever giving you background information. None the less, if you are a part of the body of Christ, and have some honest thoughts on the subject, I am dying to hear them. Here's the deal:

I spent a large portion of my growing up years trying to make a habit of reading the Bible and mostly failing miserably. I never thought too much about why I should read it, but looking back my motives ranged from ridiculous pride to defeating guilt.

I read the Bible because I didn't think God would really be inclined to hang out with me the rest of the day if I didn't read the Bible first. I read the Bible because I thought it was my only chance to maybe actually hear from and communicate with God. I read the Bible because I really wanted to remember all the things that I was supposed to be doing to keep God from being disappointed in me.

If you use your imagination, you can probably figure out that when I did get around to reading the Bible even the kindest loving verses were guilt inducers for me (God loves me that much and I can't even save15 minutes of my day just for Him?) and the rest terrified and confused me.

I came away with interpretations like this:
"I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
There is no excuse for my failure. It's my fault that I'm not trusting Christ enough. God expects me to be capable.
or
"If you love me, you will keep my commandments." John 14:15
How can I say that I love God when I fail again and again? I want to love God. If only I could figure out how to love Him enough to keep His commandments.

If you are depressed by this method of interpreting the Bible, you should be. You don't know the half of it unless you've used this method yourself for over 10 years. If you're thinking I should probably get psychiatric help you're probably right. But that was then, what about now?

Now, God has re-written me from the inside out and re-started our relationship from square one. Now, I know that above all, God is good, He is in control and that He pours out grace upon grace. That He actually enjoys me, and that He is kind towards me.

BUT (and it's a big but)
I still don't know how to read the Bible through this new understanding of God.

For a long time, over a year, I left off trying to read the Bible on some sort of regular schedule. In fact, God told me to. This did not mean that I swore off having anything to do with the Bible ever again. Around the time that God told me to quit worrying about reading it every day, I had to teach a short devotional every day and therefore spent more time in the Bible then ever before.

He has already taken many verses, often one at a time, and re-programmed them in my mind. For instance the two I've already mentioned.
Philippians 4:13 no longer condemns me. Instead it brings me joy to realize that without Christ I am perfectly incapable, unless He does it, it will not be done. It leads me to a joyful complete trust instead of a cringing and hopeless repentance. God knows that I am incapable and He is not concerned by it, Christ is capable in me.

John 14:15 is in fact a promise. God has placed the heart of Jesus in me, which absolutely adores the Father and desires above all else to obey His commandments. I am no longer constantly fighting an uphill battle to do the opposite of what feels good to me (sin). My way is smooth and the road is straight, obedience is my only desire.

So, the other day, it was suddenly time to pick up my Bible again, but as I picked it up God brought all these questions to my mind.

Why did God write and preserve this book for so many centuries?
Why is it in my hands?
What am I to look for as I read it?
What am I to do with all the questions that surface as I read?
Why is it so important to keep reading this book?

I'm not asking these questions as a challenge, or in defiance. As I said before, I believe that God brought them up because He wants me to wrestle with them. There is nothing I love more than asking questions of God because I know a really good answer is coming. Maybe He's already given you the answers. Maybe He wants you to give them to me. Maybe He's inviting you to wrestle with the same questions.

Divine Coach

I've never considered my self a sports person, so I was surprised when I realized that what I really want right now is a coach. Someone to coach me through the maze of my health. Who knows what is going on, can point me in the direction I need to go and is capable of planning to get me steadily from point A to point B. Someone who recognizes my limits but knows when to push me harder.

And why stop with health? Why not keep wishing? Why not wish for a life coach? Someone who knows where I want to go (the stars) believes I can get there (even when I don't) and knows what steps to take. Someone who can instill my every action with purpose because it's all part of the plan to reach the goal. Someone who can inspire me when I'm down and can set the bar just a little higher when I'm feeling confident. Someone who can praise me when I do well and correct me when I'm wrong. Someone who sees me more clearly than I can see myself and will do anything to help me succeed from the inside out.

(If you are interested in this job offer, call me. You also need to live in my area and be willing to work for no pay.)

As I began to put words to this desire a growing conviction started rising within me. "God is all I get. Some stranger is not going to knock on my door tomorrow offering to babysit me through life, I'll have to make do with God." I was actually disappointed. Don't laugh too hard, I know you've done the same thing. I didn't really want God, I wanted a coach. I didn't really want God as a coach either, I wanted a human that currently walks the earth.

I knew it was silly, but I also knew it was honest. So I told God that I didn't want Him, got over it, and started planning with my new Coach. I started thinking about what it would look like for God to be Coach. I figured out pretty quickly that He probably wouldn't let me dictate my life goals to Him so I asked Him what our goal would be.

Goal: To know and experience that I (God) can be whomever and whatever I want to be in you.

Close on the heels of the goal came this statement,
Fact: Your flaws are not big enough to stop Me.

This may sound nice and spiritual to you, but I get very nervous when God starts using all inclusive wording such as "whomever" and "whatever". I know that He has carefully considered the boundlessness of this wording and means it in its entirety. I get the feeling of falling into deep space when I try to imagine what these words might or could include.

I want God to only be in me things that look and feel nice. Things that large portions of the world, both secular and Christian can respect. More importantly, I want God to be in me someone who makes me feel reasonably proud of myself. Normal is not good enough. I want Him to be astounding in me. Less than normal, by my measurement is not okay for God to choose.

Oh, well. I did know better than to argue with the goal. At the same time that it scared me, it also sounded pretty good. To know God better, to trust Him even more, to let go of fear, it does sound like a challenging adventure.

For God to be my Coach He had to have a plan and I had to follow it, but I knew that He wasn't going to give me a detailed daily schedule. So we agreed that I will head for the goals I already have, including health, schooling, and work, while keeping in mind the real goal. God, as Coach, will guide me in the way that He always has, I trust Him and step with confidence. He doesn't write up a plan with steps to follow, He lays the next step in front of my feet.

So, the actions of my days have not changed much, if at all. But fear that I might be heading in the wrong direction has left. The feeling of being alone among decisions that were too big for me, has left. The feeling that I am wasting my time one precious moment after another, is gone. I am no longer traversing crazy, random, daily days hoping that I make the right decision for my time. Every decision I make is His responsibility. He is a good Coach and He will do anything to see me reach the goal.

Faithy Waithy Stuff

I don't actually want to tell you what's going on with me because it doesn't travel in a straight line. It's kind of like what Doctor Who says about time, "People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but, actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff."

Except just put 'faith' in where 'time' is now. Like this, "People assume that faith is a strict progression of cause to effect, but, actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... faith-y waithy... stuff." And it gets kind of embarrassing when you go trying to explain it.

For instance, I'm taking the ACT this December, hoping to get a 32 or better. So far, so good. But to explain why . . . it's because I want to go to Oxford and study Chinese in their Oriental Studies program. I chose Oxford because it sounded cool to me, and even crazier, I think God meant it to sound cool to me. Yep, that is my faith reason. It sounds cool.

All I know about Oxford is that they require an ACT grade of over 32 plus 3 SAT II tests just to be considered, that the school is in England, it's very pricey, and it's very rigorous. When I tried to reason with myself that this was a very big decision to make on a whim, I'm pretty sure that I heard God say, "Nah, not really. You should go for it." God often gets in the way of me making mature decisions.

I wonder if those heroes of the faith we hear from in the Bible didn't actually hear God speak in straight forward and impressive King James English. I wonder if David didn't go to kill Goliath because he thought it might be cool, and when his lack of good sense flag went up, God put it down with a, "Well, I think you should go for it." Not a command, just a friendly suggestion you know, from . . . God.

The thing about hearing God speak is that you can only count on the words you actually hear. You cannot imply anything into the actual words He spoke. I'm not saying lightning will strike if you do, I'm just saying not to jump to conclusions. So, I'm aiming for Oxford on a word from God which I quote as, "You should go for it." Notice this leaves out anything about making it, or any promise of the future at all. All it really gives me is something to do today.

Why does Faithy Waithy Stuff always come back to waiting and trusting and just living through today? I've very nearly decided that waiting is so hard because it involves time, and humans weren't made for time, they were made for eternity. Even a patient person, I think, has just learned to swallow their impatience down again and again, they never really get rid of it. I won't argue this idea, it just makes me feel a hair better about being impatient.

Faithy Waithy Stuff does not ever make the doer look impressive unless you are reading the entire story, with footnotes from God, in the Bible, with rose colored "these words are straight from God" glasses on. In other words, you and I don't have a chance of looking impressive. If it left off at 'not looking impressive' I might be okay with it. But it doesn't, it passes that and goes right into 'looks like a crazy daft idiot'. Often feels like one too for good measure.

Oxford isn't even the first half of what is actually going on in my life, that's just the most easily explainable. Every day I get up at a ridiculously and embarrassingly late hour, as in from 11 to 1, with half of my day already gone. I'm starving, but I hate to eat because eating after I wake up makes me feel bad. After that, there is no guarantee to how my day will go. I might go out and help Ellen, more often lately I stay inside, I might watch movies on Netflix, knit, read, wander around facebook, study Algebra, make a meal, make my bed. I might feel okay, I might feel terrible, I might not know if I'm feeling fine and being lazy, I might not notice that the real problem is I can't think clearly enough to make basic decisions.

That's actually a life changing revelation that recently occurred to me, I don't think clearly enough to make basic decisions. Which in some strange way, has helped me think more clearly. It's like I'm out of touch with reality unless I'm writing or talking to a person. My thoughts wander incredibly, and seldom come to a conclusion. Yeah, I might be going crazy, or I might be coming out of it.

The point is that I am not in control of my life, and I can't explain it to anyone, even myself. What is strange is that I am one of the most content people I know. I know that I'm supposed to be at Sloans Creek Farm, I know that not being in control of my life is okay, I know that not understanding is okay. More than any of that I know that this strange, apparently haphazard, life of mine is literally overflowing with meaning and purpose.

It reminds me of the items that Michael Jennings sends himself in the movie Paycheck. They appear worthless, but when the time comes, they are just what he needs. Why is it that we love to see the ignored or underestimated triumph, whether a paper clip or a human? That's how God works I think, apparently worthless days linked together, circumstances and happenings that we don't understand, don't like or don't even notice, all turn out to be exactly what we needed.

For some reason, this makes me smile, not a nice sweet smile but an "I can't wait to watch this explode" smile and enjoy the boring dailiness of life as the biggest and most complex disguise ever created. The Faithy Waithy Stuff is pretty neat, even if I do sometimes crave a boring straight line.

Birthday Well Wishers Get Their Wish

So many people wished me a happy birthday that I thought I might share with my well wishers exactly what kind of a happy day I had.

My birthday really started one day early with a box in the mail from a dear friend. This box contained nice roving and one handmade, particularly pretty, green scarf. Well, I was off to a good start.

The next morning I woke with plans to finish painting my room. It just so happened that my birthday this year was on a Friday, which also happens to be one of the busiest and most stressful days on the farm. We spend Friday making sure that everything is ready for farmers market on Saturday. After I had an amazing country breakfast, that Nathan made, Ellen asked me if I would help her move some cows before I started painting. No problem.

We then spent the morning traipsing over various pastures, rearranging various herds. There was a sick calf that was lost in prairie grass as tall as we were so we spent a while half-heartedly searching for it. When we finally gave up and decided to get back to the house, we found it in the wrong pasture. As soon as it saw us moving towards it, it went even farther in the wrong direction all the time hacking and coughing but moving pretty quickly none the less. So, after about a half hour of careful maneuvering we finally got the calf up to the house to be treated. So ended my eventful morning.

After lunch and a quick nap I finally got to paint while listening to an audio version of Prince Caspian. My painting was interrupted by a birthday call from my oldest sister which was interrupted by the advent of a familiar but unexpected green car. After becoming rather confused and hurriedly being let off the phone by my oldest sister (poor dear) I ran out the door to find that Gracie and Cassie had both surprised me with a visit. I was ceremoniously sprayed with my own silly string while babbling incoherently about only God knows what.

Apparently, Ellen was in on the whole thing and she invited us to come with her and Nathan on an errand to Dallas with supper as part of the deal. She also mildly berated me for having my birthday on a Friday because she felt that she was too busy to do it justice. She was much more concerned with the well being of my birthday than I was. As Gracie noted, "Somebody's got to be concerned with it."

Supper was Italian and the Tirimisu was great. It was suggested numerous times that I should use my new liberty to buy and drink alcohol legally but we never got around to it. I was personally thinking about a few months ago when it would have been nice to be old enough for rental car agencies to recognize me as an adult.

I received three good books from Cassie and Gracie. I hadn't gotten books for my birthday for a few years and look forward to enjoying these.

I had requested pumpkin pie (from the home grown, all organic pumpkin that Ellen and Nathan were very proud of) but there wasn't time in the busy day. Which meant that my birthday got stretched to Saturday as well. God gave me the birthday gift of a rainy Saturday, which meant no farmers market and no getting up early.

We enjoyed a very nutritious breakfast of pumpkin pie and whipped cream. Unfortunately, we put the candles in a little too soon and they melted so fast from the wrong end that we barely had time to light them and blow them out before they were nothing but soggy wicks. Then, we had to figure out how to remove the unusually large amounts of still hot wax from the pie. It ended up being a holey pie.

I am blessed. As I consider how grateful I am, I can't help but add that the only thing that could have made my birthday better was to see you all. People that, as a general rule treasure me, but as a definite rule people whom I treasure. I know it sounds cliche. My only defense is, cliches become cliches only because so many people identify with them.