I don't actually want to tell you what's going on with me because it doesn't travel in a straight line. It's kind of like what Doctor Who says about time, "People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but, actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff."
Except just put 'faith' in where 'time' is now. Like this, "People assume that faith is a strict progression of cause to effect, but, actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... faith-y waithy... stuff." And it gets kind of embarrassing when you go trying to explain it.
For instance, I'm taking the ACT this December, hoping to get a 32 or better. So far, so good. But to explain why . . . it's because I want to go to Oxford and study Chinese in their Oriental Studies program. I chose Oxford because it sounded cool to me, and even crazier, I think God meant it to sound cool to me. Yep, that is my faith reason. It sounds cool.
All I know about Oxford is that they require an ACT grade of over 32 plus 3 SAT II tests just to be considered, that the school is in England, it's very pricey, and it's very rigorous. When I tried to reason with myself that this was a very big decision to make on a whim, I'm pretty sure that I heard God say, "Nah, not really. You should go for it." God often gets in the way of me making mature decisions.
I wonder if those heroes of the faith we hear from in the Bible didn't actually hear God speak in straight forward and impressive King James English. I wonder if David didn't go to kill Goliath because he thought it might be cool, and when his lack of good sense flag went up, God put it down with a, "Well, I think you should go for it." Not a command, just a friendly suggestion you know, from . . . God.
The thing about hearing God speak is that you can only count on the words you actually hear. You cannot imply anything into the actual words He spoke. I'm not saying lightning will strike if you do, I'm just saying not to jump to conclusions. So, I'm aiming for Oxford on a word from God which I quote as, "You should go for it." Notice this leaves out anything about making it, or any promise of the future at all. All it really gives me is something to do today.
Why does Faithy Waithy Stuff always come back to waiting and trusting and just living through today? I've very nearly decided that waiting is so hard because it involves time, and humans weren't made for time, they were made for eternity. Even a patient person, I think, has just learned to swallow their impatience down again and again, they never really get rid of it. I won't argue this idea, it just makes me feel a hair better about being impatient.
Faithy Waithy Stuff does not ever make the doer look impressive unless you are reading the entire story, with footnotes from God, in the Bible, with rose colored "these words are straight from God" glasses on. In other words, you and I don't have a chance of looking impressive. If it left off at 'not looking impressive' I might be okay with it. But it doesn't, it passes that and goes right into 'looks like a crazy daft idiot'. Often feels like one too for good measure.
Oxford isn't even the first half of what is actually going on in my life, that's just the most easily explainable. Every day I get up at a ridiculously and embarrassingly late hour, as in from 11 to 1, with half of my day already gone. I'm starving, but I hate to eat because eating after I wake up makes me feel bad. After that, there is no guarantee to how my day will go. I might go out and help Ellen, more often lately I stay inside, I might watch movies on Netflix, knit, read, wander around facebook, study Algebra, make a meal, make my bed. I might feel okay, I might feel terrible, I might not know if I'm feeling fine and being lazy, I might not notice that the real problem is I can't think clearly enough to make basic decisions.
That's actually a life changing revelation that recently occurred to me, I don't think clearly enough to make basic decisions. Which in some strange way, has helped me think more clearly. It's like I'm out of touch with reality unless I'm writing or talking to a person. My thoughts wander incredibly, and seldom come to a conclusion. Yeah, I might be going crazy, or I might be coming out of it.
The point is that I am not in control of my life, and I can't explain it to anyone, even myself. What is strange is that I am one of the most content people I know. I know that I'm supposed to be at Sloans Creek Farm, I know that not being in control of my life is okay, I know that not understanding is okay. More than any of that I know that this strange, apparently haphazard, life of mine is literally overflowing with meaning and purpose.
It reminds me of the items that Michael Jennings sends himself in the movie Paycheck. They appear worthless, but when the time comes, they are just what he needs. Why is it that we love to see the ignored or underestimated triumph, whether a paper clip or a human? That's how God works I think, apparently worthless days linked together, circumstances and happenings that we don't understand, don't like or don't even notice, all turn out to be exactly what we needed.
For some reason, this makes me smile, not a nice sweet smile but an "I can't wait to watch this explode" smile and enjoy the boring dailiness of life as the biggest and most complex disguise ever created. The Faithy Waithy Stuff is pretty neat, even if I do sometimes crave a boring straight line.